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Long Distance Relationship
I start the car, wipe a tear, back out of his driveway and without hesitation decide to drive away without looking back. I don't look back because I have been here before. Only the first long-distance relationship I was engaged in, I was looking out a plane window and now although it a car, it is still a 500 mile drive.
As a second time long-distance relationship "club-member", I feel like a pro, yet a rookie, and a glutton for punishment all at the same time. I sometimes wonder why would I do this to myself again, considering the first time around, it failed. Still, I can't help but feel that this relationship is in some sort of way destined to be and I can't give up on it because of our differences in addresses and zip codes.
Maybe I should tell you a little bit about my first experience with long distance relationships and my first experience with learning to live with the failure of it. B and I were high-school sweethearts. Yes, however childish it may sound, it was indeed love. I mean what else could it be when you are leaving your college in Virginia to fly to his school in Montana four times in two years and one time even driving cross country? For being away at school that was a lot. However, it didn't matter. He was there and therefore so was my heart. When I first left for college, B and I were both devastated. We had spent the last months spending each and every day together. We even worked together that summer. We were really close. He was my best friend.
I'll never forget the look on his face when he dropped me at my house. A large van was outside my house with all of my things packed in it. My mom and sister would be driving me from Connecticut, where we lived to school in Virginia, early the next morning. Brian and I knew life would never be the same again for us.
Yet, we made it work. Our two first years of college included sad phone calls, e-mails, and letters. The questions of when would we see each other again and would we make it, hung over our heads like haunting ghosts. But we did hang in for a while until it just became too hard. Or perhaps, we became too weak. Although B ultimately broke up with me, I realized later that we had both given up on each other way before it ended. We both gave in to the pressures of our peers, persuading us to have fun and "experience" new people and we both ate the fruit of temptations at one time or another.
I went from feeling that B and I would be together forever to "hey, this is college afterall." Neither of us were innocent but we were both indeed guilty of falling in love at a early age and not knowing what to do about it. The strangest thing about the whole thing is that no matter how hurt I was with B after hearing certain truths out of his mouth that I did not like, I will never remember him in any bad way. While we will never find our ways back to one another, he will always be my first long-distance boyfriend and my first love; not a lasting love but a forever memory in my heart. Now I am twenty-two years old and have found myself confused and petrified with life.
I have just graduated college and once again found myself with an out of state boyfriend, AGAIN at a bad time. This guy is J and he is wonderful. He loves me and I definitely love him. However, J is still in Virginia, the state I left and I am now back in Connecticut, where my first long-distance relationship began.
Of course I am both smarter and stronger than I ever was before I left for college but perhaps am still a tad naive about love. I know I am in love again but what is so different this time around that I think it might work? Although this love is special and unique from my first one, I still feel torn between being with the man I love and doing what is best for me at this time. What I mean is that it had always been my plan to move back home to Connecticut after graduating. The job market where I live is booming, being adjacent to New York. I have always loved living here and plus I am saving money by living with my folks. But here again, my heart is with J, so my heart is in VA. While we just saw each other this past Memorial, long weekend, we now don't know when the next time will be. We both are working however are at very different places in our life. J still has another year of college and because I attended the same school, I know what that means.
Another year of partying it up with many drunken co-eds and having few priorties more important than the whole "bubble" of the college world. I am scared to go through it again, when the school year begins. I know how hard it was for me to know that I couldn't be with B and I feel like J might possibly forget about me when the usual festivities of college life begin again. I mean who wants a girlfriend 8 hours away that they can rarely see? And I can't play the victim already either. Who is to say that by being out in the work force, I won't want to date some cute co-worker.
I guess it is all up to fate, what will happen. However, I have to say that although I am very happy with J, I can't help but feel like I could be setting myself up for potentially hurting J or myself.
I guess the thing with long-distance relationships is that both people involved have to want to make it work and neither can give up. Love is a beautiful thing and I am still a true romantic. I am emotional and sensitive, affectionate, and loving. Yet my situations appear to be so unfair? I should feel fortunate that I have experienced love, but somebody answer me this, why have both times I found them as I am planning on moving addresses and zipcodes?
Sheila, Connecticut, USA
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